One Month In.

The battle between growing and standing still is eternal.

This month went by so quickly, and honestly, it was simultaneously wonderful and disappointing. I had some of the highest highs, and lowest lows, of my life. Since I’m at a loss for words for an introduction, I’ll let the following sections speak for themselves.

Pivoting

Right after I began my journey, panic shifted my focus: how can I get money in the door in the fastest way possible? I’ve never chased money. It isn’t like me to do. Even so, instinct took over, and I chased.

I chased for the first two weeks, in fact. Blessedly, I had some sense in me to prove out my assumptions about my get-money-in-the-door-quick scheme before spending more time on it. After an interview with my target demographic, I saw the blinders I had on. And so, my work during those first two weeks was tossed into a bucket for another time.

I wanted to bring this up because it’s an interesting type of pivot. Anxiety and panic lead me to pivot away from my original idea and platform — into one built out of scarcity and fear. And then, information gathering allowed me to pivot back to home base.

Coming from a place of anxiety, pivots are extra challenging to deal with. The best way I can think to describe it is that it feels as if you’ve been struck with a soccer ball right on your chest — your breath escapes you and yet you’ve gotta find a way to recover quickly.

Confidence

God, where do I begin here? I have had moments of incredible, insurmountable levels of confidence — that if I were ever to believe in anyone at all in this world, then of course it would be me. I’ve also had moments of sheer despair, as though I am the smallest, littlest fly on the wall — a nuisance that people acknowledge simply because of that incessant buzz when it gets close enough to your ear.

If that sounds a little polar then you’d be right — that’s exactly the roller coaster that I’m on. Talking about this topic is so hard for me, since I never quite know what side of the spectrum I’ll be on at any given moment in time.

Something I will say, though, is that I’ve learned a couple of tricks to heighten my chances at being my most confident self. I’ll end this section with a few of my favorites.

1. Working out. Literally, there is never a time where I don’t feel like a million bucks afterwards. Even if my workout wasn’t great, even if I was exhausted, I can always say that I made myself “do the thing”. Y’all, even the smallest wins are wins.
2. Read a chapter of a book. Most of the books that inspire me are startup books, occasionally a good memoire, and of course self-help books. The majority of the time even just a chapter inspires me with new ideas that I hadn’t had before — reinvigorating my inspiration and therefore, my belief in myself.
3. Listen to a Ted Talk, podcast, or audible. If I’m too tired to read, I’ll usually choose one of these options. Ted Talks if I’m cooking or cleaning, podcasts or audibles if I’m in the car or working out. I tend to choose ones that are tailored around being your best self and truly living your best life.
4. Talk with a loved one. Whether it’s calling a friend out of the blue who makes me laugh harder than anyone else, or having a zoom conversation with loved ones — remembering to spend the time with people who care about me reminds me that I am worth investing in.

Money And Part Time Work

The green that we all chase, that we spend our days fighting tooth and nail for, continuously fights for control of my headspace. I’d be lying if I said it ever completely escaped my mind.

I want to be honest with all of you and let you all know that today I was exploring part time options online. I want to continue to fight the urge for as long as I can, but having spent my whole adult life having some sort of income — seeing zero for the month of August was a nauseating pill to swallow.

Good news, though! I cut my spending on shopping down 100% (seriously haha!), and my food costs down 66% from the previous month — amongst other frivolous savings here and there. That has to count for something, a life lesson maybe? Living with less, perhaps?

The Opinions Of Others

I desperately crave to become one of those people who simply doesn’t care about what others think. Speaking honestly, though, I’m not quite there yet.

I can tell that some people listen to what I’m working on, or they’re reading about it, and they laugh to themselves that it’s such a stupid idea. In fact, a weird idea. Of course, it doesn’t help that what I’m working through creating is in a niche fandom space. Sometimes I wish it was something more, normal. Like maybe a simple software company, or some physical product that I create and sell.

The problem though, is that I know I wouldn’t be passionate about any of those things. I am passionate about anime and video editing. And so I need to keep moving forward in this space, regardless of what others think. Crafting something out of nothing involves shaking off fears of being liked or disliked — it involves solidifying who you are.

Every morning since this journey began, I’ve written at least three things that I was grateful for the previous day. It’s a practice that has proven invaluable to me. It ensured that every morning began with a joyful, gentle calmness that I wouldn’t exchange for the world.

In honor of that new habit I’ve formed, I thought I’d end this entry with three things that I was grateful for from the past month.

1. All of you. Those of you reading this right now are the very people who I know support me.
2. My friends who unflinchingly replied, “of course!”, and meant it, when I asked whether they would still be proud of me even if I failed.
3. Myself. I’m grateful that I’ve gotten up after every failure — that I haven’t quit yet.

Please, feel free to reach out and connect. I aim to post updates on my journey occasionally on Instagram, as well as LinkedIn, and this Medium Channel. Whether you’re going through a similar journey, or you’d just like to make a new professional connection and friend, — I’m here for it!

Also feel free to sign up for SUGOI’s newsletter, released every month! It’s really tailored for Anime Content Creators, but if you’re interested in Anime and seeing the first iterations of a newsletter at a very young Startup, you might find it interesting:)

Thanks, and stay safe everyone!